Because of Her

by Eleanor Graham, Mt Stromlo High School

We stroll through the park. Hand in hand. An old couple stares. The old man giving us a glare that feels like it could laser through us and the old woman trying not to look. It’s normal. A typical outing with my girlfriend. A group of teens our age walks by, glancing at our interlocked fingers. They cringe. Kinda weird to hold hands with your friend at this age. I can almost hear their thoughts. Friends. Common word. Kind word, nice word, friendly word. But not the right one. We are girlfriends. Not friends, or even best friends. Girlfriends. No one will ever see it though, no matter how obvious we make it. We’ll always just be ‘good friends’ to them. And if they do manage to figure it out, and see through the blatantly obvious signs that others don’t catch on to, will they be accepting? Or will they stare straight through us like we’re aliens. Weirdos. Misfits.

We continue to walk down the path, sticks and leaves crunching under our feet. The autumn trees create silhouettes against the warm orange sunset. Two small birds fly with each other, dancing in the sky, soon to be full of stars. No one stares at them. Or judges them. They’re looked at with thoughtful eyes. By people who can see past gender. People who are able to just see their beautiful feathers or the way they move in sync with each other. I feel a squeeze of my hand. I look over to her and she gives me a gentle smile.

***

I remember autumn last year.

The multi-colour trees slowly let off their leaves which drifted to the ground outside the classroom. She and her friends walked into the class. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about but they all laughed. I told myself not to stare and looked down at the worksheet in front of me instead. I felt her brush past me. Was she gonna say hi? No. She didn’t. She walked with her friends and sat in the row in front of me. Her wavy hair was placed over one shoulder but she flicked it to her back. Each dark brown strand with its own unique curl. I went to look away but suddenly instead of her back, I was looking into her caramel eyes.

Sorry, she mouthed. I smiled and gave her a small thumbs up. Sorry for not sitting with me. I knew that’s what she meant. But who knew what type of scenarios my brain would come up with. Sorry because she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore? Sorry because she somehow knew how I truly felt but she didn’t feel the same way? I paused on that thought. I looked back at her wavy hair. The sun glinted down on it, highlighting a few parts with a soft glow. She didn’t feel the same way. I knew she didn’t. A lump formed in my throat; tears stung my eyes. I blinked rapidly until my vision became clear again. Friends. That’s all we would ever be.

***

Spring arrived.

Our steps were in sync. I laughed and looked over to her. She was already looking at me. I hadn’t seen this look before. Her eyes were wide, almost surprised, but her mouth was in a smile. Not a wide smile. A cute little smile, only slightly crinkling her eyes. I mirrored it as her arm gently bumped mine. It left a small tingle. We continued to walk. We watched each leaf float to the ground. Each had its own colour. All warm colours though.

“Sorry again, for not sitting with you,” she said. I looked over to her and her eyes were wide again and glistening. I held on to every word she had said, almost like if I hadn’t, they would have drifted away into space and been left meaningless.

“All good,” I replied. Knowing that it was not ‘all good’ but I couldn’t tell her that. I couldn’t let her know how much I wanted to sit with her. To be with her. And that every second I was without her felt empty. I couldn’t let her know my true feelings. Or could I?

I glanced back over to her. She was thoughtfully staring at our synchronised feet with a wide grin.

“I like you.” I said it. I finally said it. Somehow I managed to push all my overthinking aside and was just able to say it. I felt my cheeks burn and knew that my entire face had turned bright red.

I continued to walk but then realised she was not beside me anymore. I turned around and saw that she was just standing there. Looking at me. Her eyes weren’t so wide anymore. They were relaxed. Her mouth was slightly ajar, but the sides of her lips began to curl, inch by inch until her entire face was practically beaming. I couldn’t help but smile too and I could tell that my face was still red, but I hadn’t minded. She ran into my arms, her head perfectly placing itself beneath my chin.

“I like you too,” she whispered into my shoulder. I closed my eyes and just hoped I wasn’t dreaming.

***

The first day of summer was here.

We sat on the grass. Her head rested on my shoulder. We watched as the sun slowly set behind the mountains in the distance. I glanced down at her to see her eyelids were gently closed. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and swayed her slowly. I could feel her swaying with me. Suddenly we were both on our feet, dancing to the sound of our own rhythm. I twirled her around and she tipped her head back and laughed. I laughed along with her. I never wanted this moment to end. Suddenly the sky above us was full of stars. As we both looked up, I felt her arms wrap around my waist.

“I love you,” she said, now staring into my eyes.

“I love you too,” I said with no hesitation. We slowly started to dance again, just by moving our feet. Birds chirped and flew over us as the moon shone brightly, covered by a few misty clouds.

***

I snap back to the present.

I’m reminded of her gentle smile. The birds flying above us. The sky that is now full of shimmering stars. But I’m also reminded of people’s stares coming from all around us. I look back into her eyes. Her caramel eyes. The caramel eyes I fell in love with. The brown wavy hair that mesmerised me all those months ago. It is still here.

And now the girl it belongs to is standing right in front of me. I match her smile as usual and continue to walk. Hand in hand. We walk past the stares, the cringing faces. I don’t care what they think anymore. I have her. I could be strong because of her. I have found love because of her. I can be myself because of her. Because of her. All because of her.